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Everything I wish I knew earlier
to be a better ally.
by Sage Wilkirk
November 2023
Who is this for?
This is spurred on by my friend and mentor Carly, who is trying to make her slice of the world a better place for trans people but isn’t sure where to start. It’s also a little for helping me heal, and also for you if you choose to join us in that goal. It’s also an open dialog if you want to ask more questions (and there are no stupid questions here, just like in my classroom), but it’s not a place for transphobic comments and arguments. Be kind, be human, be humble, be open.
1.
Ask for Pronouns
I used to think that asking for pronouns was rude. I thought it would be shown as an error on my part, an admission that I couldn’t tell, a judgment call on their appearance, and a call out of their deviation from the norm. I had a student in 2014 who I wasn’t sure about, so I asked the internet how to tell and they said “...just ask?”. I’ve learned since then, as evidenced with this post in 2017 where I was doing my best. Now I know two more things:
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Pronouns aren’t “chosen”, they just are. Instead of phrasing the question as “what are your chosen pronouns”, I should have said “what pronouns do you want me to use for you?” A follow up question could have been if there were different ones to use in front of others, in front of family, etc.
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If I’m shy about asking a stranger for pronouns, I should start with my own first. “Hi, I’m ___, my pronouns are ____, who are you? What are your pronouns?” is a pretty standard greeting in some circles, and I wish it were more common.
Tip: Including your pronouns in your bio, email signature, and on a pin help normalize pronoun use for others and signal you as an ally to those who are looking for safe spaces. At the moment, having pronouns on a pin or online is a clue for transphobes that someone is not cis-gendered, and the more people have pronouns, the less they’ll use it for bigotry.
2.
Using Pronouns
The pronouns on pronoun pins used to confuse me - what does he/they mean? Is they/he different? It turns out, it is! Normally, people list one or two pronouns when they tell you theirs, like he/him or he/him/his. The longer version is to help in a sentence. These are super fancy words for me as a math teacher, but I’m here to help:
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The first word (“he”) is the normative pronoun (“He is such a great person”)
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The second word (“him”) is the accusative pronoun (“I’m going to hand this to him”)
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The third word (“his”) is the predicative possessive pronoun (“that pen is actually his”).
This order also works for she/her/hers, they/them/theirs and even neopronouns. I choose to only list the first two, but it’s all good either way.
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When someone prefers he/him/his or they/them/theirs as their pronouns, they will list both in order of preference. Someone who lists he/they means he uses both sets of pronouns, but prefers he/him/his a majority of the time. The opposite, they/he, means they use both, but prefers they/them/theirs a majority of the time. For a while, I had a pie chart for my pronouns - I wanted people to use “they/them/theirs” pronouns for me about 60% of the time, and the other 40% was an equal split between “he/him/his” and “she/her/hers”. Instead, most people saw all three options and went with the one that was most comfortable to them - she/her/hers. Now, I just use they/them to make it easy.
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Earlier, I mentioned neopronouns. Occasionally, I’ll have someone (usually over the age of 60) tell me they were taught that “they/them” is always plural and they just can’t use it for me. Granted, people unlearn things all the time at any age, but this is where neopronouns usually come in. In other cases, people who are far outside of the gender binary will choose to use neopronouns instead of nonbinary pronouns to delineate. There are a lot of neopronouns but the most common are xe/xer/xem and ze/zer/zem (pronounced the same). I also have a friend who uses no pronouns, and we just use my friend’s name in place of any pronoun. The number of options and terms can be overwhelming, but it’s important to note that someone’s gender journey is up to them, and it’s not necessary for you to know all these terms - just be able to ask and use their pronouns.
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Resources:
Practice with pronouns: https://www.minus18.org.au/pronouns/
3.
Recovering after messing up
Wooboy, this is one I’m super not proud about. In 2014 or so, I was doing my best to be an ally in a very affirming space with a lot of trans and nonbinary individuals, and clocked someone wrong. In layman’s terms, I thought they were “going the other way”, and I had the wrong pronouns for them. A fellow member said “I just want to make sure, can we go around and say our pronouns? Mine are he/him” and I admit, I didn’t pay attention because I was so confident. A bit later, I tried affirming that same person and ended up doing harm instead. Very soon afterwards, she left and everything clicked - I felt terrible. I was so worried I had done irreparable harm, and bombarded her with messages apologizing. At every step, I messed up. I should have asked, I should have paid attention when corrected, and, this is most important, I should not have bombarded them.
It’s unfortunately very common to mess up on pronouns. It’s actually rarer to hear someone get my pronouns right. If hearing the wrong pronouns feels like a tap on the shoulder, an overapology is a punch. The best way to move forward if you catch it right away is to repeat the sentence you just said with the correct pronouns. Afterwards, even if you don’t catch it right away, practice using the right pronouns with a partner, friend, in a journal, or in the mirror, then do it right in the future. Mistakes happen. You may have known this person for years, even decades, and have to undo your internal dialogue about them. We understand, and working to improve is the important thing. Using the wrong pronouns over and over tells us that you haven’t done the work to change your internal perceptions of us, and we are worth more than that.
4.
Gender-Neutral Terms
Gender is a social construct. The World Health Organization defines gender as “the characteristics of women, men, girls and boys that are socially constructed. This includes norms, behaviours and roles associated with being a woman, man, girl or boy, as well as relationships with each other. As a social construct, gender varies from society to society and can change over time.”
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Even though gender is socially constructed, it can be useful in some instances. A group may be “women’s only” because they want to speak to “women’s issues”, like the loss of a child or sexual assault, in a “safe place”. However, does that mean that a man cannot feel the loss of a child? Does it mean that men are not sexually assaulted? If a woman does not lose a child, is she still welcome in that space? The exclusion of masculine-presenting people in “women’s only” spaces is really just the group saying “we don’t feel safe with you here, and we want to feel safe”. This is fine, but I posit that we can just describe the space and people can decide if they belong to it.
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People use gender-neutral terms all the time:
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“Someone left this coat behind, I hope they come back for it.”
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“Who called? What did they want?”
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“Someone came to the door earlier; I think they were probably looking for you.”
In some instances, grouping gendered people together is clunky - “I’m visiting my brothers and sisters tomorrow” is not as clean as “I’m visiting my siblings tomorrow” or even “I’m visiting family tomorrow”. I’ve used the group term “nibling” for “nieces and nephews” long before coming out as non-binary, simply because it’s much easier to use. Here are some other terms, some of which you already know and use, and others that might be new to you:
Masculine Term | Feminine Term |Group or Genderless Term
Dad | Mom | Parent(s)
Grandpa | Grandma | Grandparent(s)
Husband | Wife | Spouse(s)
Boyfriend | Girlfriend | Partner(s)
Brother | Sister | Sibling(s)
Nephew | Niece | Nibling(s)
Uncle | Aunt | Varies*
Mister (Mr.) | Missus (Mrs.)/Miss (Ms.) | Mix (Mx.)/Mistrum (Mm.)
King | Queen | Monarch
Sir | Ma’am | ???
*The nonbinary term for Aunt/Uncle is up to the individual, since there is currently no standard. My niblings call me Nini, and a popular nonbinary podcaster is “Funcle”. There are lists online if you’re looking for a term for yourself or someone else.
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The term missing for “Sir” and “Ma’am” is still missing. Unfortunately, the English language doesn’t currently have a widely used neutral option. Instead, using the phrase attached without the honorific is just fine! “Excuse me”, “yes”, and “no” are just as polite as “Excuse me, sir”, “yes, ma’am”, and “no, sir”.
On a more specific note, addressing groups of people as “ladies and gentlemen” could be easily changed to “distinguished guests”, “honored folks”, or “one and all”. I personally address large groups of people as “friends” (yes, of any age), and I know teachers who use content-specific terms like “scientists”, “mathematicians”, or “writers”.
Resources:
Gender-Neutral terms: https://genderrights.org.au/faq_type/language/
Nonbinary in a Gendered Language: https://matinee.co.uk/blog/gendered-languages-non-binary-terms/
“Elle” - Nonbinary in Spanish: https://www.nbcnews.com/news/latino/gender-neutral-spanish-pronoun-some-elle-word-n1242797
A breakdown of the “Mistrum” honorific: https://wisteria-lodge.tumblr.com/post/664220658301108224/mist-is-a-very-cool-gender-neutral-substitute
A self-defense gym’s code of conduct: https://www.valleyselfdefense.com/code-of-conduct
The same gym’s LGBTQ+ class: https://www.valleyselfdefense.com/programs/lgbtq-self-defense
5.
Transitioning
Something I really wanted to learn around 2017 was how to talk about trans people. I was confused between “trans man” and “trans woman”, and I had a curiosity of the process of transitioning. Here’s the big idea - it doesn’t matter. Before I knew I was dating a trans man, I told him all of the research I was doing. I shared that “trans man” means someone was born a woman and transitioned to being a man, and he said “we don’t usually say trans man, we just call them men”, and he was absolutely right. “Trans” and “Cis” are just labels that mean “different from” and “same as” their assigned gender at birth, respectively. Someone who was born female can be referred to as AFAB (assigned female at birth) and someone who was born male can be referred to as AMAB (assigned male at birth), but it’s not usually important to who they are today. An afab cis-woman and an amab trans-woman will be in the same spaces together and move through the world with the same perspectives and inequities (aside from the intersectionality of other identities that come with systemic and societal inequities).
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With that being said, there have been instances where I’ve met a trans person who is “partway” through their transition, and knowing the “typical process” that trans people go through helps me identify their gender. Take all of this with a grain of salt, since no process is one-size-fits-all, and ask for pronouns always (it helps to normalize it!).
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MTF (male-to-female) trans people will usually start with presenting more feminine - wearing skirts, doing their makeup, growing out their hair, and stuffing a bra. Their biggest dysphorias in public may be their hairline, facial hair, or deep voice, so she may shave, wear a mask, cover darker areas with makeup, and talk in a more “feminine” voice. She may also take estrogen to lighten the voice, redistribute fat, and feminize the face. Occasionally, trans women will get top surgery (implants), vaginoplasty (inverting the penis to create a vaginal canal), and/or facial feminization surgery, but this is none of our business.
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FTM (female-to-male) trans people will usually start with presenting more masculine - cutting their hair, wearing clothes generally acceptable for men, binding their chest, and either refraining from makeup entirely or using makeup to masculinize the face (creating the illusion of stubble, for instance). Their biggest dysphorias in public are usually the existence of breasts, high voice, or lack of facial hair, so he may deepen his voice, talk in more of a monotone, and wear a mask. He may also take testosterone to deepen the voice, redistribute fat, reduce breast tissue, and masculinize the face. Often, trans men will get top surgery (removing breast tissue), and occasionally, they will complete a phalloplasty (using skin from the thigh or arm to create a penis), but again, this is none of our business.
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The extent to which a person has gone through surgeries is between them and their doctor. The decision to go “all the way” is a very personal one, and the lack of motivation, funds, resources, time, and/or personal requirement to “complete” their trans journey does not disqualify someone from being trans. Allies are not gatekeepers. In addition, someone does not have to go through any of these changes to be respected, and we should use their pronouns correctly no matter what.
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On a personal note, I have decided that my chest dysphoria is strong enough to go through top surgery, but it’s a 3 year wait list for the initial consultation and 6-9 months after that for the actual surgery. In addition, it took letters from two different people to get on that wait list in the first place, and the surgery is in a different state, so it is a privilege that I have healthcare, savings, time, and someone willing to share their home with me afterwards. In the meantime, I’m stuck with these two lumps that remind me that the world isn’t seeing me the way I’m seeing me, stopping me from showering as frequently as I should, having me covered at all times, and creating daily decisions about how long to bind my chest, and whether it’s going to be for a safe amount of time.
6.
"The Acronym"
The acronym just kept getting longer - LGB became LGBT became LGBTQ became LGBTQA… and some people even remember it used to be GLB - Gay, Lesbian, and Bisexual. In the aftermath of the AIDS epidemic, when lesbian nurses were the only ones “brave” enough to care for their gay brothers, the community decided to switch the acronym and put lesbians first. Currently, the common acronym is LGBTQIA2S+: Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Trans, Questioning, Intersex, Asexual, and Two-Spirit, and the official acronym is LGBTQQIP2SAA: Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer, Questioning, Intersex, Pansexual, Two-Spirit (2S), Androgynous, and Asexual. These are a combination of terms from sexuality (who you love) and gender (who you are). Because of the length, some people choose to refer to the group as “Queer”, and some choose to call us the “Alphabet Mafia”.
One of my friends expressed a feeling of overwhelm over needing to learn all these terms, and I told her what I told you - it’s not for you to know all of these. It’s not a test. It’s not a list of things to learn about. The terms we use to describe ourselves are for a feeling of connection and belonging. Someone who grows up only knowing of cis-gendered and heteronormative folk may feel so alone when they first start learning that they like the same gender, or do not find anyone attractive before getting to know them, or do not have any sexual urges at all. They may do some digging online and find that there are terms for them - gay, or lesbian, or demisexual, or asexual. Knowing that there is a term for what they’re feeling immediately can remove the feelings of loneliness, and they can use those terms to find like-minded people.
What's next?
It depends on you! It could be practicing pronouns, learning more about any of the topics, or fighting to make pockets of your world a better place. I'm here for any of it or all of it, so feel free to reach out.